If you purchase a whole, un-cut watermelon:
Your willingness to make this kind of investment without seeing what you’re getting proves you are a risk-taker. Even though the flesh could be completely rotten inside, you hand over your money without hesitation. Furthermore, your confidence in lugging that monstrosity to your house indicates 1) you have a strong upper body and may have spent time in a gym, and 2) you do not live in a 5th floor walk-up.
If you buy half of a watermelon:
You prefer to know what you’re getting into and hate surprises, even good ones. Despite your control issues, you are not squeamish: the fact that you are not afraid of slimy cellophane suggests that, provided you can find out their provenance, you might even be the type to eat a raw oyster or befriend a squid.
If you choose a quarter of a watermelon:
You like watermelon but you don’t love watermelon.
If you prefer your watermelon already chopped:
You are lazy. If you are up for this kind of price hike (approximately 500%), you are either a millionaire, or you think you are. Even if you are a millionaire now, this kind of spending is going to have long-term and deleterious effects on your financial situation. Then again…chopping a watermelon does take up valuable chunks of time, when you could be coddling your other, less-juicy, but likely more fruitful, investments.
If you are saddened by this seedless trend:
You are nostalgic and long for simpler times, like 1986, when you could spit seeds further than anyone else in your neighborhood. You remember that it felt good, real good, to be really good at something.
If you combine watermelon with weird ingredients:
If you like to fancy up watermelon with ingredients like feta cheese, red onion, and an obscure species of basil…well, the implications are unclear in this case. Either you don’t respect the natural, original state of this edible delight. OR: you respect watermelon so much that you want to help it reach its potential as a savory side dish. No matter what, you are definitely a snob. You should keep those annoyingly gourmet tendencies in check.
If you carve your watermelon with a melon-baller:
The fact that you own a melon-baller and you actually use it shows that you have your priorities straight. You get 100 extra points if you also sculpt the rind into the shape of a basket before putting the melon balls back inside, along with honey dew and cantaloupe balls. And, if you proceed to pour alcohol into this basket of multi-colored melon balls? You deserve to be President of these United States. Or start your own watermelon-themed country.
If you don’t eat watermelon:
You have never truly and correctly celebrated the season called summer. There is a gaping, oval-shaped hole in your life and the only way to fill it is to immediately attend a picnic, a barbecue, or a potluck.
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